Alrighty, well it's the end of the week I guess. Let's reflect, and well.. let's try and make some sense of what has been happening.
You know how I was like "Man, I'd kill for this one thing to happen. It would mean the world to me."
Well like. That thing happened. And for the first two days I was ecstatic, joyous.
Monday: I heard those words that I've been waiting so long to hear again.
Tuesday: I made a promise, or rather a statement that I knew would be hard to keep.
Wednesday: Fight. Big fight. I had to go back on the promise... but at the end of the night I just made another one.
Thursday: Normalcy. The initial optimism was beginning to fade.
Friday: My optimism is all but gone.
I ask myself, "What next?" and "What will happen after?"
Isn't this what I wanted? It is what I wanted. It's everything I asked for.
But it is all going way too fast. And it seems like he wont have it any other way. He doesn't want to dedicate himself to last until Summer and I'm too scared to fully dedicate to Winter. As much as I would like to just throw myself at this idea and commit to it entirely, I keep reminding myself of what happened the last time I did that. I'm not ready to go through with that again, and I don't want to put myself in a position where that will happen.
Looking back at what happened last time... should I have forgiven so easily?
For some reason I thought he did what he did for my own feelings. In retrospect, was he even capable of empathy? Did he realize at all how much shit he put me through while he was doing that? He didn't want to protect me from being hurt at all and it hardly seems like he cared, he wanted to protect himself from hurting. He KNEW how much pain he was putting me through, and still he wouldn't just end it.
I don't want to go back on my word, but I feel I need to. It's only been a week for christ's sake. I know it's love and everything, but I'm scared to go through.
I'm scared to think of it this way: maybe this second chance is actually a sign that I need to move on, that the person that I thought I wanted most isn't truly who is best for me. But then, who is?
A part of me fears he only came back because he feels alone... and that I'm (for whatever reason) still there for him. I'm a safety net.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
i want to tell you that it will all work out, i really do, but you know i won't lie to you. if it does work out it will probably be all because of your effort. I'm not saying that he isn't a good person, however some people just don't have the willpower to deal with long distance things, and he is still young. sometimes people need to grow up. You know that people will support whatever your decision is and even if you go back on your promise now, if he is the one, he will forgive you later.
ReplyDeleteHere's my take: Don't look at the promises, or the history, what the right or wrong thing is, or anything else. Just listen to your heart. In the end, it's all you have and you need to be comfortable with the person you give it to or else it will feel all wrong. Listen to it and look for the signs and maybe you will figure it out. And be patient, maybe some of the signs will show up later.
ReplyDelete