World Shaking!

Alrighty, well it's the end of the week I guess. Let's reflect, and well.. let's try and make some sense of what has been happening.
You know how I was like "Man, I'd kill for this one thing to happen. It would mean the world to me."

Well like. That thing happened. And for the first two days I was ecstatic, joyous.

Monday: I heard those words that I've been waiting so long to hear again.
Tuesday: I made a promise, or rather a statement that I knew would be hard to keep.
Wednesday: Fight. Big fight. I had to go back on the promise... but at the end of the night I just made another one.
Thursday: Normalcy. The initial optimism was beginning to fade.
Friday: My optimism is all but gone.

I ask myself, "What next?" and "What will happen after?"

Isn't this what I wanted? It is what I wanted. It's everything I asked for.
But it is all going way too fast. And it seems like he wont have it any other way. He doesn't want to dedicate himself to last until Summer and I'm too scared to fully dedicate to Winter. As much as I would like to just throw myself at this idea and commit to it entirely, I keep reminding myself of what happened the last time I did that. I'm not ready to go through with that again, and I don't want to put myself in a position where that will happen.

Looking back at what happened last time... should I have forgiven so easily?
For some reason I thought he did what he did for my own feelings. In retrospect, was he even capable of empathy? Did he realize at all how much shit he put me through while he was doing that? He didn't want to protect me from being hurt at all and it hardly seems like he cared, he wanted to protect himself from hurting. He KNEW how much pain he was putting me through, and still he wouldn't just end it.

I don't want to go back on my word, but I feel I need to. It's only been a week for christ's sake. I know it's love and everything, but I'm scared to go through.

I'm scared to think of it this way: maybe this second chance is actually a sign that I need to move on, that the person that I thought I wanted most isn't truly who is best for me. But then, who is?

A part of me fears he only came back because he feels alone... and that I'm (for whatever reason) still there for him. I'm a safety net.

Starlight Honeymoon Therapy Kiss

Alrighty. So Jessica told me to get a blog so hey, I did. I'm pussywhipped.
Anyway yeah.
Life is so weird right now. On one hand it is just overly complicated, over scheduled, and over dramatized. On the other... well I'm pretty sure there is no other hand right now.
I'm kinda falling into the mood of pretty much saying "go fuck yourself everybody, I'm going to stay home and sleep for a week." No offense to anybody of course, I just want the time to be alone and get my thoughts organized and a good rest. Maybe a blog will work for that.

I think I might quit my job this coming semester. I kinda like school, but honestly this whole "Shift Leader" business is a little stressful. I've only been working for 3 months, I'm really not qualified or cut out for this kind of responsibility and accountability. All the money is used for is spending cash anyway, so it's not like I'm going to be evicted from my house if I quit. Just no more new clothes.

It's really sad. When I think about the most ideal thing that could happen for me right now I think I would just wake up in my bed tomorrow and have blondie be there next to me and just have nothing ever change from that moment on. Do you think I would be happy like that? I dunno, I'd like to think so. I need to find a way to get over this. Still. Wow. It's been a long time. This isn't even right. Not fair. Not to him, or me. He deserves to have a friend who is fine with just being a friend. I deserve to be able to accept that we tried it and it didn't work out and that while it's ok to have some kind of residual feelings; I shouldn't keep myself from being happy like I am right now by hanging on to some fairy tale I made in my head.

Wow. So that was a whole lot of emo.
Sorry 'bout that.


Post Script:
Maybe I'm just using him as an excuse so I don't have to really face my issues with relationships. It's easier to say "No" when I can just say I'm still not over my last relationship. I need a psychiatrist to help with this insanity. But honestly, I just haven't been attracted to those who fancy me. Plain and simple. It usually clicks or it doesn't. The most amazing guy in the world could approach me tomorrow and I would shoot him down if it just doesn't... feel right. It's not his fault and he shouldn't take it personally. Sometimes it just doesn't feel right to me, you know? And I don't want to force something that doesn't feel right to me. I wish I knew what exactly makes it "right" for me. Maybe it's just pheromones.